Coming clean

I really didn't keep my promise well did I? Truth be told theres been some extenuating circumstances to my withdrawl from blogging. Preoccupation!
Most of my blogging, or journaling to be precise, has been done on my laptop and shared with only a few people.
It's been a rough few weeks but I'm not sure I'l share much of my journaling except to say that I hit what some might refer to as 'classic youth-workers syndrome'. That doesn't realy say much, and doesn't do justice to the many who have gone through similar situations. I basically hit burn-out, the place when what was happening in my outside world I couldn't cope with on the inside.

So Ive been off work for a few weeks and Im off for another couple. The strange thing is, although I still don't feel ready to go back, I feel much stronger. It has taken this time to highlight and pinpoint areas in my life that needed improvment. When it came to it I had nothing to draw from within, to deal with things I was working with on the outside.

The past 2 weeks I have been exercsing properly every single day, reading books, trying new things like jogging, the driving range, new places I've never walked/hiked before and spending time in quiet reflection&solitude.
It's all had a very profoud effect upon me, it showed me that my spiritual disciplines had failed, in fact were all but existent, and you can't run on empty like that. Its not enough to go to church or say a quick prayer. It takes dedication to look after your mind, body and soul day by day. I guess some people can put on a 'front' longer than others, in my job you have to pull so much resources from within that it just aint possible to last one week when you have run out emotionaly and spiritualy. You can't try and serve God when all that keeps you 'afloat' is sunday mornings and widweeks. Iv'e learnt it has to be personal, intentional, structured and given reasonable slots of time in the diary!
Ive been very committed so far, reading, journaling, meeting with other youth workers, meeting with the minister, exercising, and more.
I just hope when I start working again that I wont lapse. its easier being dedicated and committed when you've time on your hands, I admit.

So, it's been a few weeks of revelation. At the start I thought all was over, I'd never get back on my feet again and that I couldn't cope with doing youth work again. Now, I see that this could be one of the most important episodes of my life. The lessons Iv'e learned, the things I've learned about MYSLEF, the answers I've recieved to some questions etc etc. I feel I'm now in a position to see for myself what others told me at the beginning; that this will be a positive experience if I let it. I have to embrace it and have faith in this process. I have to stop feeling guilty or embarressed about being off and let God do what he wants to do and show me what he wants to teach me. Not easy, I feel wick sometimes in front of friends, family and even my wife; although they have all been very supportive.
I think I've definetly pinpointed some of the causes. Especially helpful so far has been a book by Gordon Macdonald, and American Pastor, called 'Ordering your private world'. I REALLY REALLY recommend it to anyone, honestly it's absolutley superb. It's a book about his own experince of breakdown as he ministered through a very busy lifestyle in the church. It also quotes countless famous men and women of faith about how they viewed their own lives and the spiritual/common-sense measures they took to maintain healthy spritual lifestyles amidst the busy challenges of everyday life and especially in Christian work.

So here's to coming out the other side. I'm not quite tehre but I'm beginnin gto see it, and beginning to see that there are greater things to come. I know some of you will be reading this and you are reminded of a similar experience in your own life. For those of you who aren't, look after yourself. I've heard it said, it's not a matter of 'if' it happens to you but a matter of 'when'.

Perhaps I will write more, or edit my journaling slightly and make it available. Who knows.
In particular for all you youthworkers out there, let's look out for one another. God knows we need to.

Not sure when il write again, hopefuly not too long. im getting the internet in the house on Friday :)