The Night and Nothing

( Read on for explanation of pic)

What have you been up to the past 7-8 weeks? Mine seem like a blur sometimes, they've went so quickly. It wouldn't be true for me to say I havn't written in a while because I have over 13,000 words, or 24 A4 pages, to show otherwise. But it isn't blog material. I was determined to track my journey, thoughts, feelings, discoveries and just say what I thought. I put it all down on paper. The biggest lapse in journaling I had was 2 weeks and I now wish I hadn't because that is fourteen full days of my journey I may forget now. It's funny how things can pass by unless you somehow nail them down, and I can't always rely on my memory.

Right now I want to tell you everything, I want to tell about what Iv'e been up to, what Iv'e seen, what Iv'e felt and bring you even for a moment into one of the hardest and yet most fruitful times of my Christian life. But I can't.
I've tried to express it to others in words, which I'm usually good at, but failed. The same with writing it down. I've come to the conclusion that most of it I'm not meant to share. It has been a time of intimacy with both myself and with God... no-one esle needs to know, and there's no-one I need to justify myself to.

Needless to say, many people have been asking about me and I want to thank all of you that have sent me encouraging texts, emails, met up with me, prayed with and for me and for those of you who have walked every step alongside me (you know who you are).
I got a text just yesterday from a guy i havn't spoken to in a few months and he simply asked how things were...for the first time in a while I knew exactly what to say and how to sum it up. I replied "It's been a hard but an important time that I have used to re-couperate and be built up by God" 13,000 words later and I reckon that aint too bad a summary.

I should be returning to work sooner rather than later. It feels such a relief to know what the next step is. Remaining in limbo was probably one of the most frustrating times Iv'e ever had. I came to a conclusion, an excruciating one, that one of the key areas to my recovery was God's timing. I wasn't in control and so I literally had no choice but to step back and say ' ok, however long it takes!' For me...that was NOT easy.

I don't think it's over you know. I think I had managed to get myself stuck somewhere in life and tried to bed down into as comfy a position as possible. But it was never comfy, it was stagnant, I felt powerless, spiritualy bankrupt and eventualy unable to cope. However, God has made me someone who has a very questioning spirit, I notice and analyze the world around me, my mind never gives me rest and the pain and suffering of this world, and closer to home, plauge me intensley day and night. Truth be told though, deep down I'd rather be that tortured soul whose mind lives above everyday affairs and mediocre conversation than resign myself to a half hearted lifestyle.

I'm not bursting with enthusiasm ready to go back to work, but I am willing. Something that has given me great comfort is reading through the prophets. Those men had fiery relationships with God, and I don't mean walking around singing love songs to Jesus. They set out on God given tasks and got dissalusioned. they raged against God accusations, asking where justice for the poor and the weak was? Why were things the way they were and why did God allow it? Yet...there was something, within them, that did not let them stop. It was as if they were born to do it and they were compelled to do it despite how they felt.
I don't pretend to understand God, and I admit I am in a place of questioning and general dissapoinment with Him. Most days i find it hard to pray and I sit in church quite cynical and hating the singing BUT...I've never felt my relationship with him so alive. We talk, and shout, every day. All in reverence though. Its a real relationship. Not the supposed kind, of undying devotion love and simplicity we all imagine or think we should have. This time, it's personal.

"The only ultimate way to conquer evil is to let it be smothered within a living, willing human being." G Webbe 'The night and nothing'

Well, I'm hoping I've made some sense :) As I said, there's much I will probably never share. But my blog is about me after all, so I just thought I'd share a little. I do genuinely hope to get back to writing about other things Iv'e been up to. Such as how I now do weights 4 times a week, how many new dishes I can cook since becoming a temporary house husband, that it's my Bday on Friday and how Peter Kays autobiography almost made me pee in laughter. Light-heartedness is still within my grasps I swear! just check out the picture of me looking cool! ;)