well and truly...

What can i say, when you're addicted to something everything esle just goes to pot. Even the things you once held dear...Like blogging. The story goes that just a few weeks ago Pete Martin signed me up on facebook while I sat in the background protesting.... I havn't looked back since, it's great :)

So...I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to work out a way I can make more use of my blogspot. I think all I need to do is write shorter, sweeter articles about my everyday life and what happens through a week. That, after all, was meant to be the purpose of blogging for me. To be able to look back and see where Iv'e been and re-count my thoughts. Easier said than done though. I'l try...let's aim for one a week.

Cool Saturday

I had a cool day on Saturday. Recently I've been out hunting on farms rather than enjoying the more consistent sport of CLAY pigeon shooting. My friend and I both have our own shotguns so together with the fact his dad owns 16 acres of land and he has his own 'trap' (for firing the clays) we had a pretty inexpensive afternoon of fun with a few mates. if you've never tried it before you should, you may be suprised how much fun you have. Wear ear plugs though, we shot off 200 shells and soon had bruised shoulders and eardrums. Well worth it though! :)

Saturday night however you would have thought Charlie Knox had spent all day on a farm as well, certainly judging from the Indian dish he had in front of him! He reckons it was meat, cabbage and sauce...no-one else was just as sure though. Brave boy. I went for good old mild Korma.

Theme...

Iv'e decided that what I wanna do is keep a bit of a regular theme occuring on my blog over the next while. It wont be that often, perhaps every other week to see how it goes, and of course it will appar sporadicly amongst other non-related blogs.

Recently Iv'e been doing weights, actually for a month and a half now and Iv'e been making good progress. I have been doing it 4 times a week, 3 minimum. It's something I've talked about for the last 2 years so it's something I want to try and make sure I stick at and do right.

Il be honest, no point in lying, the idea is to put on muscle and shape myself. Nothing extreme like, just a good shape. Ive always been pretty light and find it hard to put on weight but for the first time in years it's happened. Weighing myself at different times over the past week has shown that Iv'e put on over half a stone. I can definitely notice my arms and shoulders changing slightly but I also know it doesn't happen over night...I've still a good few months to go..and then to keep it up.

October 17th - 10 stone 12 lbs

Bench - 40kg 3 sets of 7

Tricep extensions 6kg 3 sets of 8

Dumbell curls 12kg 3 sets of 6

Dumbell Shoulder press 12kg 3 sets of 7

Pheasants and Tarantulas

My Birthday weekend was a pretty cool mixture of the old and the new. For starters Leanne took me back to the Pheasant restaurant in Hillsborough where we went three years ago for my 21st. That place just gets better and better. No wonder it was packed out, and the atmosphere was buzzing.

I love the old style country restaurants with stuffed game birds displayed, century old fireplaces and old farming memorabilia hanging around the place, far more than any modern eatery. There's just something about it that appeals to me. I'd love to find somewhere that specialises in fish and has decor dedicated to angling, that would be cool. Know anywhere?

Anways the second moment of birthday nostalgia happened when I randomly decided to visit Lisburns new Reptile shop. When I was younger at High school I got a tarantula for my birthday and the collection soon grew to 3 spiders and 2 scorpions. My room ws like spending a night in 'Im a celebrity get me out of here', with crickets singing and things crawling up their tank walls under dimmed night-tlights.

Well, walking into that shop brought all that interest rushing back! The guy had cracker displays and over a 100 diff species of snake,lizard, frog, spider etc. under one roof. I fell in love with this small cubed tank which he had set up as a jungle scene and it was all very affordable.

Of course, straight away I knew what I wanted for my Bday! After all, Leanne was upset that she didn't know what to get me (I'm not a present person and I always say I don't want anything) So here was the perfect present, exactly what in wanted.

Surely I don't have to tell you her reaction :) To make it worse I brought her in to have a look herself but the guy had left his assistant in charge. The snakes were out of their tanks getting fed which got Leanne edgey, but then he decided to take out the biggst spider they had and start annoying it. It was going mad biting at the air and I knew my luck was runing out.

I think the crunch came when I took Leanne over to check out the lovely displayed tanks complete with locked sliding doors, in a last ditch attempt to relinquish any fears of the thing ever being able to escape. When sudenly, out of no-where A small lizard appeared on the top of the tank, paused to say hello by sticking out it's toungue and then scooted back behind the tank. Cheeky thing.

The guy had locked the tank but had slid the glass in the wrong way, leaving a small gap open. Leanne didn't say much on the way home. But here's still hoping :)

Lastly, a thank you to my good friend Neil who took me on my first 18 hole round of Golf. I finished 36 over, an average of 2 over per hole. Not bad. I really liked it and would go back again soon. I bet Leanne would buy me a set of clubs in an instant, I think she'd buy me ANYTHING if it meant not buying me a tarantula.

The Night and Nothing

( Read on for explanation of pic)

What have you been up to the past 7-8 weeks? Mine seem like a blur sometimes, they've went so quickly. It wouldn't be true for me to say I havn't written in a while because I have over 13,000 words, or 24 A4 pages, to show otherwise. But it isn't blog material. I was determined to track my journey, thoughts, feelings, discoveries and just say what I thought. I put it all down on paper. The biggest lapse in journaling I had was 2 weeks and I now wish I hadn't because that is fourteen full days of my journey I may forget now. It's funny how things can pass by unless you somehow nail them down, and I can't always rely on my memory.

Right now I want to tell you everything, I want to tell about what Iv'e been up to, what Iv'e seen, what Iv'e felt and bring you even for a moment into one of the hardest and yet most fruitful times of my Christian life. But I can't.
I've tried to express it to others in words, which I'm usually good at, but failed. The same with writing it down. I've come to the conclusion that most of it I'm not meant to share. It has been a time of intimacy with both myself and with God... no-one esle needs to know, and there's no-one I need to justify myself to.

Needless to say, many people have been asking about me and I want to thank all of you that have sent me encouraging texts, emails, met up with me, prayed with and for me and for those of you who have walked every step alongside me (you know who you are).
I got a text just yesterday from a guy i havn't spoken to in a few months and he simply asked how things were...for the first time in a while I knew exactly what to say and how to sum it up. I replied "It's been a hard but an important time that I have used to re-couperate and be built up by God" 13,000 words later and I reckon that aint too bad a summary.

I should be returning to work sooner rather than later. It feels such a relief to know what the next step is. Remaining in limbo was probably one of the most frustrating times Iv'e ever had. I came to a conclusion, an excruciating one, that one of the key areas to my recovery was God's timing. I wasn't in control and so I literally had no choice but to step back and say ' ok, however long it takes!' For me...that was NOT easy.

I don't think it's over you know. I think I had managed to get myself stuck somewhere in life and tried to bed down into as comfy a position as possible. But it was never comfy, it was stagnant, I felt powerless, spiritualy bankrupt and eventualy unable to cope. However, God has made me someone who has a very questioning spirit, I notice and analyze the world around me, my mind never gives me rest and the pain and suffering of this world, and closer to home, plauge me intensley day and night. Truth be told though, deep down I'd rather be that tortured soul whose mind lives above everyday affairs and mediocre conversation than resign myself to a half hearted lifestyle.

I'm not bursting with enthusiasm ready to go back to work, but I am willing. Something that has given me great comfort is reading through the prophets. Those men had fiery relationships with God, and I don't mean walking around singing love songs to Jesus. They set out on God given tasks and got dissalusioned. they raged against God accusations, asking where justice for the poor and the weak was? Why were things the way they were and why did God allow it? Yet...there was something, within them, that did not let them stop. It was as if they were born to do it and they were compelled to do it despite how they felt.
I don't pretend to understand God, and I admit I am in a place of questioning and general dissapoinment with Him. Most days i find it hard to pray and I sit in church quite cynical and hating the singing BUT...I've never felt my relationship with him so alive. We talk, and shout, every day. All in reverence though. Its a real relationship. Not the supposed kind, of undying devotion love and simplicity we all imagine or think we should have. This time, it's personal.

"The only ultimate way to conquer evil is to let it be smothered within a living, willing human being." G Webbe 'The night and nothing'

Well, I'm hoping I've made some sense :) As I said, there's much I will probably never share. But my blog is about me after all, so I just thought I'd share a little. I do genuinely hope to get back to writing about other things Iv'e been up to. Such as how I now do weights 4 times a week, how many new dishes I can cook since becoming a temporary house husband, that it's my Bday on Friday and how Peter Kays autobiography almost made me pee in laughter. Light-heartedness is still within my grasps I swear! just check out the picture of me looking cool! ;)

Coming clean

I really didn't keep my promise well did I? Truth be told theres been some extenuating circumstances to my withdrawl from blogging. Preoccupation!
Most of my blogging, or journaling to be precise, has been done on my laptop and shared with only a few people.
It's been a rough few weeks but I'm not sure I'l share much of my journaling except to say that I hit what some might refer to as 'classic youth-workers syndrome'. That doesn't realy say much, and doesn't do justice to the many who have gone through similar situations. I basically hit burn-out, the place when what was happening in my outside world I couldn't cope with on the inside.

So Ive been off work for a few weeks and Im off for another couple. The strange thing is, although I still don't feel ready to go back, I feel much stronger. It has taken this time to highlight and pinpoint areas in my life that needed improvment. When it came to it I had nothing to draw from within, to deal with things I was working with on the outside.

The past 2 weeks I have been exercsing properly every single day, reading books, trying new things like jogging, the driving range, new places I've never walked/hiked before and spending time in quiet reflection&solitude.
It's all had a very profoud effect upon me, it showed me that my spiritual disciplines had failed, in fact were all but existent, and you can't run on empty like that. Its not enough to go to church or say a quick prayer. It takes dedication to look after your mind, body and soul day by day. I guess some people can put on a 'front' longer than others, in my job you have to pull so much resources from within that it just aint possible to last one week when you have run out emotionaly and spiritualy. You can't try and serve God when all that keeps you 'afloat' is sunday mornings and widweeks. Iv'e learnt it has to be personal, intentional, structured and given reasonable slots of time in the diary!
Ive been very committed so far, reading, journaling, meeting with other youth workers, meeting with the minister, exercising, and more.
I just hope when I start working again that I wont lapse. its easier being dedicated and committed when you've time on your hands, I admit.

So, it's been a few weeks of revelation. At the start I thought all was over, I'd never get back on my feet again and that I couldn't cope with doing youth work again. Now, I see that this could be one of the most important episodes of my life. The lessons Iv'e learned, the things I've learned about MYSLEF, the answers I've recieved to some questions etc etc. I feel I'm now in a position to see for myself what others told me at the beginning; that this will be a positive experience if I let it. I have to embrace it and have faith in this process. I have to stop feeling guilty or embarressed about being off and let God do what he wants to do and show me what he wants to teach me. Not easy, I feel wick sometimes in front of friends, family and even my wife; although they have all been very supportive.
I think I've definetly pinpointed some of the causes. Especially helpful so far has been a book by Gordon Macdonald, and American Pastor, called 'Ordering your private world'. I REALLY REALLY recommend it to anyone, honestly it's absolutley superb. It's a book about his own experince of breakdown as he ministered through a very busy lifestyle in the church. It also quotes countless famous men and women of faith about how they viewed their own lives and the spiritual/common-sense measures they took to maintain healthy spritual lifestyles amidst the busy challenges of everyday life and especially in Christian work.

So here's to coming out the other side. I'm not quite tehre but I'm beginnin gto see it, and beginning to see that there are greater things to come. I know some of you will be reading this and you are reminded of a similar experience in your own life. For those of you who aren't, look after yourself. I've heard it said, it's not a matter of 'if' it happens to you but a matter of 'when'.

Perhaps I will write more, or edit my journaling slightly and make it available. Who knows.
In particular for all you youthworkers out there, let's look out for one another. God knows we need to.

Not sure when il write again, hopefuly not too long. im getting the internet in the house on Friday :)

Life in the fast lane

Seems Iv'e fallen off the edge of the blogging world lately. I guess I have!

Life's been hectic and, unfortunatly, I don't seem to have had the time, or taken the time if I'm honest, to sit down and reflect upon it. Of all the times for me to come to this great moment of realisation I am doing a mission week until Saturday. it'l involve me working day and night but shall reward me with the the entire next week as time off in Lieu :) I promise (myself) that I shall start putting life back down on computer screen from then on. Ride the tide with me folks, I know you miss me ;)

Mr Martin...start thinking what mishchief we can get up to next week. Leanne will be on teaching courses.

As promised,

I'm guessing many of you are sick to death of the HUNDREDS of photos circulating around family and friends but for thsoe of you who have been deprived, here you go. Enjoy, next to come will be some honeymoon pics of sunny Italy. And then, I shall resume with no-marriage related blogging, I swear :)

Random Quotes...

I just remebered something i wanted to share. On honeymoon Leanne had bought one of those womens magazines, you know the types, like 'Hello' and 'OK'. Well, partly through curiosity I began to read it and you know,there's some interesting crap in there! ;)
But I got to a page titled 'Quotes of the week' and I have to say, they were hilarious. I can still remeber them so heres the two I found the funniest, hopefull you'l appreciate them. the Van Damme one is a Gem of genious!

When the aging Dad's army star ws asked how he was going to enjoy the celebrations for the 4oth anniversary of the shows first broadcast he said.."Im going to try and stay alive til 5 O clock"

Reflecting upon his worldwide / broad appeal Van Damme remarked "My movies are international, everyone understands a slap in the face!"

Honey I'm Home

Well, im Back. Back to Northern Ieland, back to work, back to normal? Far from it, it's been a tiring few days just getting adjusted and organising our house/belongings.

The wedding day went SO quickly I can hardly believe it. I would do it all over again I loved it that much. Needless to say we have returned to literally hundreds of pictures from so many people.

Today I am back to work but it hasn't been so bad. the place has just been painted so for the next two days I have to put everything back into place, then I'l spend some days planning programmes for starting back in September. The physical work has been a good way to get me settled and back into the place without thinking too much.

But in general, it's taxing enough settling down to a new phase of work here in the 'Edge' as well as adjusting to married life, no doubt (just to warn you) I may not be able to focus much on blogging. But be sure, this will be a few weeks/months I will be re-visiting to process my thoughts.

So far I love it, Im already excited about going home to see my wife later even though wev'e been with each other 24/7 the past 3 weeks. Last night as we lay in our room I realised that that place is going to become a haven, a shelter away from the world and anything else. Its a time to talk about the day and about how we feel about the one to come.

Anyways, keep posted as I am planning to post a selection of wedding pics alongside some from the honeymoon, soon.

The honeymoon was amazing, it felt like a full two weeks. It didn't fly in and everything from the trips, the food and the weather was top notch. Hope you have all had a good break this summer at some point.So, until life begins to settle into some kind of normality and I find my feet and thoughts...

Our big day...

times...

Well, it's here and I can't beleive it. Iv'e been through a roller coaster of emotions the past week and havn't really realised how tired ive been. Im feeling it now and with just a couple of days to the wedding I'm concentrating on looking after Leanne to make sure she rests and feels great to enjoy the day. I know it's gonna go SO quickly so I'm determined to make the very most of it and rememeber every last bit :)

So anyways, I'm off work for another 3 weeks, we are set to heasd to Italy afterwards and theres still a few things to get done tomorrow.

Till I return I bid you farewell....It's time to take a break and not think of anything else...even blogging.

Laters....

Sleepless nights

Well, I may be putting myself out there by sharing so much personal detail with web viewers worldwide but I figure that if my blogging is going to continue to be a form of self processing, then these are the times I want to be able to look back on in years to come.
Getting married only hit me two days ago! When the wedding was 4 weeks away that was still a month, even three weeks and I wasn't flinching. Since Monday however....

I aint sleeping right, this is one of my busiest weeks in work ever and yet the past few days have felt like a dream. I think I'm already running on adrenaline.
Ive experienced many peaks and lows of emotion / challenges / changes in life over the past few years but this one is entirely new. I think the best descriptive word I have is 'Overwhelmed'.
Iv'e decided the best advice given to me so far has been to allow it to overtake me and not fight it.
So what am i saying, I'm getting cold feet? regretting? NO, not at all. I just know it's one of those choices that is going to re-shape the whole world as I know it.
I guess there's some similarities to when I decided on Bible College over another career, or when I chose to work at the Edge rather than elsewhere. You put yourself on the line, knowing your offering yourself up for the hard road, the long one, rather than settle for a comfortable second best.
So What makes the challenging road more appealing?
Well, that's where Leanne is...

Stag Day...

Below is kind of a picture blog of Saturday start to finish. By way of a commentary what you are looking at is my Stag Day. It began with fishing in the morning with Pete Martin where we landed 3 great Pike. Outdoor Go-Karting where I came 2nd (beaten by my best man, whose a rally driver) a meal in the Red Panda chinese, bowling in the Oddysey and then...Tied up in lisburn :) Such a great day, apart from the fact my good T-shirt got ruined...revenge will be sweet my friends, mark my words.

...

I think the above image does justice to the old saying 'a picture says a 1000 words'. I was asked yesterday about my wedding which is drawing SO near but it wasn't the usual question concerning where the reception is, is everything prepared and if Ive written my speech. That's because it was a young person who asked the Q; more often than not they ask the important ones, ones that you haven't heard a million times. So refreshing.
Anyways, they asked what was going to be so different getting married after having been with each other coming on 6 years. The amazing thing, to me, was that I didn't have to hesitate with my answer, I just KNOW that it's going to be so different. 6 years doesn't mean I'm feeling any less overwhelmed right now.
In the majority of ways it's going to be better, of that I have no doubt but I also know it's gonna be hard adjusting. It wont be the same as living apart from each other, in some senses the accountability and responsibility to each other will peak much higher and in many ways my life choices both big and small will not be soley guided by myself. It's going to be a whole new ball game.
But then, I've never been one to go it alone. My one wish/prayer before I went to Bible College and entered full time ministry was that I'd have someone to help me through it, and that's what I have.
If I had the choice to postpone another year...It wouldn't be a choice worth offering.
I'm scared though.

Update...

Ok, so lets back track to when I mentioned how fit and active I have been getting this past while. Remember that curcuit that I was planning to run...havn't done it since :( I have been walking it regularly though, if that counts for anything.
Anyways...I have untertaken, along with Pete, a new venture. When I asked him what he wanted for his 4oth birthday he asked me to get my bike fixed, so I did.
And the result...26 miles in two sessions on two days, since Friday.
Quite impressive I reckon, I think I could get into this, heck of a lot easier than running. Less impressive is the view i'm subjected to...

FRESH meat

Here are the results of a good weekends shooting and fishing; two fresh wild pigeon breasts and a mackeral. Im slowly becoming self sufficient ;)Anyone taking the recent advice off Dave Wiggins blog...why not come to me for some local fresh produce!
I gave the pigeon meat to my shooting partner as he ended up with an empty bag, his wife cooked it up for him and he texted me today to say how tasty it was. As for the fish, well theres two stories behind that.
The first is that I had a great time on bank holiday monday fishing off bangor pier and the second is that while I was fishing Leanne got to go shopping for a few hours...now that's what I call a good compromise. That's got to be a good sign for our marriage :)

Cynical?

Ok, so I'm going to admit two things straight away. No.1 I do think the above picture is a tad cynical even if it may have a hint of truth, No.2 I got busted by one of those flashing bad boys last night...I know I know, reputation on the line and all that. We're all only human aren't we.
I have to say, Im only annoyed at myself, I'l accept the fine and penalty without kcking up a fuss as I know I was in the wrong.
My only quandry is this, the road is a 4 lane quarter mile straight, uphill! Its not in a built up area and you an see as far left and right as you can straight ahead to the crest of the hill. What I'm getting at is I didn't feel like I was speeding or driving dangerously, I was doing 55 and it was a 40. Am I just making excuses? Mabye I am. Or is it just a good open road that encourages a faster speed than it's limit, making it a good money grabber? Perhaps.
I don't know,some people really get heated up about this debate though.
So what do you reckon; speed cameras...money spinners for the Government, genuinely for our saftey or a sinister part of Big Brother Britain?
What side of the road do you sit on?

Matches and Mountains

Self preservation was how a friend described to me the art/discipline of balancing lifes priorities and it's a lesson I've been putting a lot of effort into learning these past two years.
Youth work tends to bring with it many challenges but one, which can soon become the downfall of many, is it's constant provision of unsocialable hours, weekend work and the battle to 'switch off' or leave the job out of sight and out of mind when your not working. I think I've adapted pretty well after having been doing it so long, even before taking a full time post, but perhaps it's more due to the fact that at one point I hit burnout and determined never to let it happen again.
Some things work better than others,Ive certainly become a bit more of a late bird having occasional 11pm-1am rendevous with friends after work: well theres no point getting up early the next day when Im off in the morning if theres no-one around to hang out with.
Then of course there are the times of pure refreshment, holidays!:) Can't wait for this day in the very near weeks when I'l be relaxing on Honeymoon. Iv'e been known to always have a holiday or city break booked 6 months in advance as something to look forward to. im thinking Barcelona for New Years.
Above are pictures of last weekend . which I have to say was brilliant. It started with Pete Martin and a pre-match lunch before Linfield won the double for the third time in a row, continued with having dinner with friends and climaxed with an absence of the 'sunday night feeling'because the next day was May Day. We made the most of it as Leanne and I climbed Slieve Donard for Charity. Great...and I even got a sun tan/burn for the wedding. Cheers for the Aftersun Mrs Martin!

What was that u were saying...

After looking at these pics try & tell me my hobby (Pike fishing) is boring!
This guy set a new record in Canada. He was reeling in a 36lber and as you can see from the bottom photo...a BIGGER one tried to eat it. He landed them both in teh same net. Think of it this way, the smaller one would be a bit of a record in N.Ireland. My biggest is 10lb, the biggest ive seen is 27lb...this fellow is 56 lb!!!! What a beautiful beast!